Friendly Rivals

How do you handle the bickering between your children? They all do it, don't they?  Siblings.  There's a period in the day when they can actually seek each other out, just to bicker!  Does it depend on age? Gender? Age gap?  What is the bickering actually about anyway?? 

My theory is that a household of young personalities each trying to define themselves in their own right are working their way into their desired positions in the household.  Naturally, they all want to rise up to the qualities most highly identified as being desirable and preferred according to the adults that reward them.  For instance, in my household of three boys, my middle child is identified as 'the funny one' my eldest as 'the sensible one' and of course my two year old is 'still a baby'.  I find myself naturally praising each of them for their various qualities, capabilities and efforts at applying themselves where they may be weakest.  Most commonly though, I know they will ease the praise out of me organically by being sensible, funny and well, baby-like.  My toddler shows his best self in most circumstances as he grows everyday and as he hits those all important milestones.  Naturally, his efforts at trying to apply himself to new challenges warrant the praise and encouragement, plus the cute overload is just too much to bear!

However, as 'the baby' of the house, it can be easy to get away with most things as the toddler stage still warrants phrases like 'He's still learning' and 'He's only little'. The baby/toddler stage makes it easy for blame to be pushed onto an older sibling as they should automatically 'know better'.          I've seen this occurring in many households and I have been guilty of such too but  I find myself asking 'is this a fair system?'

Upon careful analysis, I've found that 'buying in' to the theory that the younger child doesn't know any better can be harmful to the self esteem of the older sibling, even if the youngest is quite little in comparison.  This is because despite any age gap, the older sibling will expect the younger to be reprimanded for a wrong doing in order for justice to be served, no matter how minute.  Without the parent or carer telling the younger sibling that it is wrong to snatch, for example, the older sibling may feel that the younger is favoured more than they actually are. Denying the older sibling a complete sense of fair treatment. 

According to Dorothy Rowe, psychologist and author of My Dearest Enemy, My Dangerous Friend and 11 other books, children have an understanding of knowing when they are being short changed very early on. "Children acquire a sense of fairness very early on in their life and they are struggling to survive. Our desire to be top dog", she says, "Is challenged.  The second child falls under the shadow of the first, just as the older child sees the arrival of a new baby as the end of the idyllic state in which they are the sole object of their mother's attentions ." 

                                                                        
Petty disputes are not always about vying for the attention of adults.  Survival of the fittest also comes into play, after all, nobody wants to be displaced in their own home. The difficult side to Sibling relationships are not to be looked upon as completely negative, as they serve as practice runs for connections that will be formed later on outside of the home.  The inevitable struggles between young (and sometimes older siblings) serve as a great training ground for the ever competitive work place environment.              The sibling relationship can be described as primarily the  most intense relationship a child will have in the first few years of life and understandably so. These are the people you spend the most time with in life, sometimes more than with parents.  Sharing everything from rooms to schools and relatives, toys and resources and sometimes friends, it can be a battle of wills.

Within the home, where you know your children best, you will find a way to survive the squabbles, you have to!  It may take trial and error and it could be that some days you intervene and others you expect the children to sort their own arguments out but ultimately, there is no relationship like the shared with a sibling.  They are aware of what pleases and irks you the most and as a child, this can be quite a tool for the armour!  The main thing I have found to be true is that just like adults, children want to be treated fairly.  This means whilst assisting with disagreements, abstaining from favouritism, taking sides and encouraging any kind of name calling are bad ideas. Providing children with the tools to settle disputes amicably will hopefully equip them well in the long run.  


                         
                                           

Some tips I have picked up along the way include:

• Provide reminders of the fun and good times they often share-there should be a go-to photograph or album at hand to give them a visual reminder of how good it can be to share the company of one another.

• Once the dispute is settled, arrange for the siblings to have some breathing space, sometimes intensity has brewed because there has been plenty of time to wind one another up- e.g.: summer holidays.  Arrange for some down time with separate friends or family members alternatively readjust sleeping arrangements so that there is a little space for the children to appreciate the absence of their sibling.

• Lavish plenty of praise when there is a stretch of time between arguments, children need to be reminded that they are doing the right thing often.

• Age gaps can sometimes mean the siblings forget they have things in common.  Try to arrange activities that please all parties.  Let them spend time together at the park where the younger child can enjoy the swings and the older child can play with a ball and mesh the two together with a game you can all play together, like catch or piggy in the middle.

• Try to spend time with the children individually, this can be tricky and sometimes near impossible.  However, each child will feel valued if they have a space to express themselves privately with you even for just five minutes.

How do you settle squabbles?  Drop a comment below and share your wisdom!