Helping the Wall Flower to Bloom

We here at SWP have been blessed to work at a wide range of educational establishments over the years and perform with some incredibly talented children.  Sometimes these talents can appear to be hidden and need coaxing out from behind a shy exterior.  Other times children come with low self esteem for one reason or another and need to be encouraged to partake in activities, games and team work.  All of this can take time and requires much patience but over the years it remains a common question from parents, teachers and educationalists.- How do I draw so and so out of their shell?  How can I help him/her reach their full potential?

Here are our top tips for drawing out that shy personality from their shell and boosting their confidence.  Yes, even the one that is classed as a wall flower could certainly take centre stage.
       We believe there's a performer in everyone!    

1. Crowd Busters 

If your child is a shy person, crowds might not be their cup of tea...at first.  Slow and gentle introductions to busy situations can help get your child accustomed to what comes with being in a hectic space.  Perhaps start with an environment that is  busy but intimate for example; sitting in an indoor  café by the window crowd watching is one way for your child to feel in control of the situation. They will be somewhat removed from the direct interaction with a crowd but can safely spectate.  Why not turn it into a game of I Spy or play detectives and get your child to describe the first person they see with a shopping bag, a red scarf or a push chair.  With a trusted adult close by, security is certain and yet, they are surrounded by the sights and sounds of a busy atmosphere which they will eventually become a comfortable part of.  As their confidence grows you might try a fast paced but spacious location like a bright shopping centre over the weekend.  Walking hand in hand, offer your child the security of being near to you and regular commentary to explain what could be going on.  Even if there are no events, it's easy to create your own story lines for people walking around, talking, eating and shopping.  Try to make it about individuals and not allow your child to get too distracted by the crowd.  Ease their anxiety by making it light hearted and discuss what you like about being there. 

2. Handy Helper

The beauty behind giving children responsibility is watching how well they rise to the occasion.  Often enough, they don't realise how well they can actually deliver a successful outcome.  Once you give a child with low self esteem a chore around the house or an errand to run, their understanding of what they can do by themselves soars and pride increases with your encouragement.  Try giving your child a letter to post whilst you watch and give them lashings of praise when they manage to reach the postbox successfully.  Making their own breakfast is a huge achievement for many, even if it does mean plenty of milk spillage and cereal crunching underfoot!  Try to see past the minor errors and major messes and encourage more so that a sense of pride can become a permanent fixture in your child's mind. 

Successful struggles bring a sense of achievement

                                                         

3. Affirmations

Everybody needs to hear how well they're doing and how great they are.  Children with low self esteem need to hear it regularly but also need to believe it.  Because belief drives behaviour, daily affirmations are an excellent way to boost confidence.  This practice can get young ones to formulate patterns towards improving their own state of mind.  Research shows that those who engage in the exercise of regularly repeating positive affirmations can benefit from a significant improvement in their academic performance.  A study in America (conducted by Valerie Purdie-Vaughns and her colleagues in 2009) showed that using values affirmation writing exercises helped close the attainment gap for a class of children that were monitored over two years compared to a class that did not use the exercise. 

So how does this actually work?  Well, by regularly repeating positive mantras, rhymes or songs the brain gets into the rhythm of training itself to follow through and believe in the statement.  Once the task is achieved and acknowledged, the brain releases those feel-good hormones we all know and love!  This includes Dopamine which is the chemical that causes addiction when it floods the brain.   Once this pathway to a new learning pattern has been developed, it becomes an easier process to duplicate. In short, if the affirmation repeated often is 'I am a helpful person' the brain tunes in to reinforcing the conscious desire to be a helpful person.  It is important to note that affirmations work best when enhanced with conscious belief and other associations (physical, visual etc.)  to bolster the desire to be a helpful person.

So go ahead, get your young people to blow their own trumpets too!

4. Bite the Bullet

Life is riddled with challenges and education can only do so much to prepare children for some.  To be honest, the majority of challenges that lay ahead are not easily articulated to primary children.  How does one begin to explain the difficulties of managing a work-life balance with a difficult and demanding boss? Or a bothersome mother-in-law that doesn't understand boundaries?  Or how about the strains that can come with bereavement of a loved one-all without drawing a heavy dark cloud over their parade?  That in itself is a challenge! However, building up the skill for tackling disappointment and hardship is a big help.  The more often children are faced with a sticky situation, the more resilience they build up.  Learning how to handle petty squabbles amongst your peers at the age of 7 and 8 can feel like sitting around a conference table at the world peace summit.  However, stepping back and allowing children to bite the bullet can assist them in learning how to settle situations amicably.

                                      

5.Confidence boosters

Finally, commend and compliment your child.  Tell them with sincerity why you like what they did and get them to explain the process of how they managed to achieve it.  Did they get prompts from an older sibling? Did they persevere after making several mistakes?  Whatever their method-hopefully the effort they put in equates with the result they got out and that should be commended and encouraged to go even further next time.

Stepping outside of our comfort zone is never easy but self esteem can only be built up by doing things that are challenging and sometimes a little bit difficult.  Followed by praise and a sense of accomplishment, children gradually build a framework towards developing the skill of problem solving.  Try to draw the line at artificial rewarding.  I've caught myself at it a few times and felt myself cringe moments later.  It really achieves little more than momentary satisfaction for both the child and the care giver.  Disingenuous praise and reward fails to set the bar for real work being put in to receive a well deserved prize at the end.  Just think long term.  -The attitude of the individual that goes to the work place expecting to gain a promotion because they have fulfilled the basic needs of their job criteria would be laughed out of the boardroom.  However, the child that understands the

the phrase 'Ambition is the path to success, persistence is the vehicle you arrive in' (Bill Bradley) will grasp the concept that striving for better gets you further for the most part.