Can Self Control be Taught to Children?

There are those uncomfortable instances we have all witnessed or been a part of whilst doing the weekly shop.  You are in the frozen foods aisle and there is 'That Child' tugging the trolley in one direction and his mother is pulling it in the other-usually towards the exit and the child is having a complete meltdown.  The meltdown is followed by the moment the child loses all self control.    There was a conflict of interests, a collision of emotions, a disagreement and complete clash of opinions between the mother and said child.  Maybe over whether there would be a purchase of yet another copy of his favourite magazine which he never reads, but just has to have because the colourful hunks of plastic attached to the front are 'fun' for all of ten minutes.  Or perhaps it was in the cereal aisle where you caught sight of them initially and that was when the gentle whining sound began and eventually changed pitch?  The favourite box of (fill in the blank) cereal was completely sold out (and there were none out the back, a shop assistant was sent to look!).  Whatever the actual hurdle that day, the outcome was an awkward one to watch from the other side of the store. 

The mother, trying to appear calm whilst feeling anything but.  Trying not to lose her temper and speaking in a strong, deep tone with words inaudible to the surrounding onlookers who could only imagine what she was muttering to her irate two/three year old.  She was turning red, he was turning red and removing him from the store was another challenge whilst he splayed out on the shop floor and maintained a rigid starfish shape and his mother stared on, mortified.                  

Self control can be a life saving tool we all tap in to, whether in adulthood or during adolescence.  It is  the executive function that helps control our behaviour and regulate our emotions and thoughts guiding us to make the decision that will benefit us most.  Self control reigns supreme as a cognitive function, it is relied upon to bring us closer to our goals. Whether that means ignoring the offer of a slice of calorie laden, chocolate cake because weight loss is a priority or avoiding the opportunity to snatch your favourite toy from a friend on a playdate because building friendships is the objective, self control wants us to come out on top.  Self control wants us to win and laugh in the face of adversity which expects us to 'give in' when the going gets tough.  This inner strength, this 'you can do it' voice is made up of different facets that engage our senses and tap into our very rational.  But how does this work for children?  How does it work for very young children? 

Toddlers are well known for expressing themselves with tantrums that involve body throwing, various vocal pitches and of course the crying, relentless and merciless crying! All of this is an expression of the child battling with their emotions.  Their self control has been banished to the back seat and the meltdown acts as a total disregard for any kind of restraint.  The child doesn't want to consider their options, only the immediate gratification that they seek and the obstacle that is blocking it-usually the adult.  This is where the voice of reason needs to be reinstated, usually by the one that is blocking the immediate gratification.  The reminder that self control should be restored for the great of good can be brought about by: 

1) Distraction-this is a good one for the little ones, they have shorter attention spans and their retention of detail is not as strong as older children.  By carrying an activity, toy or favourite book along to long trips or even supermarket visits, you can give your little one  

visual reminders that their satisfaction can be gained elsewhere.

2) Disruption- this is another form of distraction which can be both verbal and physical. By interrupting the thought process and changing rooms or position, the child can be encouraged to consider other things.  For instance, if a toddler is intent on watching back to back episodes on their favourite channel, try an activity that is enjoyed even more so like jumping on the trampoline in the garden-completely and aggressively disrupting their chain of thought. Verbally explaining what your intention is all the way, will begin to train them on the concept that making choices is an upcoming phase in their development.

Older children from around 4 years old upwards have a stronger understanding of how to harness their self discipline which is made up of other inhibitory controls.  They have become adept over time at controlling their desires to some degree and exercising will power, balance, calmness, determination and confidence.  All positive attributes that contribute to the design of good relationships, teams, friendships and personalities.

How did they accomplish this?  It was due to the limits being set before them and their following the structured boundaries.  By doing so, these older children can understand that should they wait patiently, their trusted adult will give them ice cream after dinner but not before because they have said that's what would follow. They are also in tune enough to acknowledge that they may risk jeopardising that treat if they do not exhibit self control.  Following the impulse of demanding the ice cream before the promised time and losing control, will not lead to achieving the objective and so the older child takes charge of their emotions and exhibits restraint in the hope that the reward will be delivered as soon as dinner is over.      

                                                                                          

The process they are able to use is to pause, reflect and then act.  After an initial warning from their adult, the child can pause to take stock of what has been said and who said it.  Was there a promise made by this adult? Has this adult told me I can get what I want somehow? Was it a trusted adult that has communicated this information to me? Someone that has kept their word in the past? Once these questions or similar have been pondered over and satisfied, the child can take the opportunity to reflect on what they would like to happen next and the role they have to play in the next few steps. The final stage is where self control will either show up or be shoved away.  Because self control is so similar to a muscle, the more it is used and exercised, the stronger it becomes. The body automatically knows that to act now using self restraint would mean gaining composure and balance to overcome the need for immediate gratification.  Children and adults alike struggle with this but to wait it out is to really harness self control.   

Many of these tips will be tried and tested for most of us, either at home or at school where we are teaching young ones how to make informed decisions for themselves.  Some children will be further along this path than others and each child should be commended on the strides they are taking to over come the innate struggle that is submission to ones whims and desires.  Self control is a necessary aspect of development in so many ways and often taught without much thought or planning.  But with the right kind of structure and a plan tailored to each child, the results will help each individual understand that they can behave positively even if they don't really want to.